Marriage
Marriage
‘A man’s wife is his home’ it is written in the Talmud.
And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.' Genesis 18:25
Man needs a helper, a friend a companion. The woman is the home maker.
It is not good for man to be alone. He is the masculine part; he needs to be linked to the feminine one to be complete.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.(Genesis 2:24, KJV).
Men and women are in a special mission on earth. They keep procreating the next generation and by that extending their lives ad infinitum.
Is this an easy task? No, it is the most difficult one, but it is the most fulfilling relationship a person can have.
A man and his wife got married. Congratulations! After the wedding they went home to unpack their suitcases. As things were being taken out, their own ghosts were placing themselves in comfortable places, to stay around as long as possible.
We enter the relationship with dreams, hopes, illusions, yet very quickly we see something that was not here before, we see ourselves in the other, the opposite, the reverse of me. All of the sudden we have to tap into our character traits of compassion, patience, understanding, listening, etc to know that we are on a challenging place. That is what John Gray said in his book, Men are from Mars and Women from Venus. We come from different planets and we have to create in our household ground to speak the same language and understand each other. That is a place where love and compassion will help the transition to me and me becoming us.
Marriage is compared to a pair of shoes. When they are new they are shiny and elegant. You love them but they pinch a little. It is not comfortable for a while. This is true of marriage. No matter how perfect the fit, there will be minor irritations and discomfort, till the couple is fully adjusted.
There is 3 points I would like to make:
1. In marriage be like a good neighbor
2. Be sure that matches are made in Heaven
3. Always, always open the lines of communication
Rabbi Yossi advocated to be a good neighbor and to find a good one. The qualities of good neighbors are sharing, giving, listening; Neighbors are in the heart of each other, sensitive to thoughts and emotions.
Shachen, neighbor comes from Shechina.
Ahava from hav, to give
Giving is the prerequisite of love. Before giving to the other, make sure to give to yourself, to be your best friend and be responsible of fulfilling your own needs. Taking care of yourself is the most generous and responsible think to do.
Be a companion, a helper, a good friend. Sharing and giving is the paradigm of a good neighbor.
2. Matches are made in Heaven:
If you get a pair of shoes thinking that they are not good quality, you start stretching them, throwing them, mistreating them, they will break. But if you think that your shoes are of best quality, but uncomfortable, you will be patient and kind till they will be a perfect fit.
In marriage, if we think, if only was not married to…or should I have gone with… I would not have the problems I have now, chances are that the person with whom you are married, is the one that will be sharing those problems with you. We should believe that God in His infinite wisdom make the matches in Heaven. We have to have the humility to know that we do not see everything with our consciousness, and that we have loads and loads of data in our sub consciousness that needs treatment. As soon as the partner comes, the ghosts get busy, and our data starts unfolding before our eyes.
This is part of our growing process, we deal with our pain, we become vulnerable, we forgive ourselves and others and we create a human environment of love and compassion. We stop blaming others for their shortcomings because now we understand how hard it is to get it right.
When one wins both lose, when both lose, both win.
4. Open lines of communication:
Talk to each other with love and respect. Words of praise and recognition give profound satisfaction. Avoid derogatory and hurtful ones that wound deeply. Always remember that your spouse is your best friend, your family, your second half. If you hurt him, inevitably you hurt yourself.
Be honest of your feelings and thoughts. Avoiding the honest expression of differences in a relationship causes more damage than would clearly spoken feelings of disappointment. Differences are a significant part of what makes us attractive to each other.
Marriage is a contract between two opposites. They commit to attain certain goals. Imagine yourself in a boat with your partner. Sometimes it is quiet and other times the thunders and storms pour fury into the waters. Both of you have to act as a team to survive. If you trust each other, care for each other, are there one for the other, the storms will pass, but if negativity takes over, your ghosts will be awaken, your passage to safe land will be much more difficult.
Find ways to resolve disagreements without jeopardizing the success of the mission. Be the kind of the person you want others to be with you, caring, sympathetic, warm, giving and the other will turn his face, as a mirror and will send back the love and care he has received.
When a man sees his wife, he is at home. Marriage is a spiritual path,
Good luck!
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